Man, do I have some serious catching up to do- and I will, promise.

Joseph surprised me with a date night last week- his friend Danny (Uncle Danny, as Dylan calls him) came over and watched Dylan while we went to a movie. This was a miracle on several fronts- first, Joseph hates going to see movies (even though his brother is in the industry and makes movie trailers for a living); second, Dylan was amazing for Danny and is already asking when he can come over next; and third, I got to go out and didn’t have to plan anything. ^_^

So we went and saw Harry Potter 7-2, which was almost everything I wanted it to be. I will admit I cried through a lot of it- but mostly because I couldn’t believe that I was finally watching the words come alive in the screen after all this time. I especially loved my favorite part in all of the books, when Molly Weasley kills Bellatrix Lestrange- “not my daughter, you bitch!”- and while I would have preferred a more drawn out fight scene for that particular spot in the movie, after giving it some thought I realized it was exactly how it should have been. Molly was a mum, and was all about getting things done. She’d just lost one of her sons and I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of adrenaline was going through her once she saw her only daughter being attacked by someone with murderous intent. I love, too, that she stayed true to herself- even though it would have been faster to cast a death spell, instead she petrified her and blew up the stone statue.

There’s the part of me that wanted her to somehow seem stronger, or larger than life, or more beautiful, or maybe even younger? during that fight. But there wasn’t. There was no Molly looking furiously resplendent as she fought a nemesis to the death (as I’m sure everyone imagined it- or maybe just me?), just a worn out mum fighting for the life of her child. And it was so true to the character- and, I would say, to motherhood itself- that it couldn’t have been more perfect.

It was strange to have it come to the end. I’ve always said books and movies are like apples and oranges (or apples and baby wolverines, if you prefer) and should be appreciated on their own merits, instead of being compared to each other. I heard someone say that they were disappointed in the movie because it missed out on some bits of the book- and to them I say, forest for the trees!! Don’t miss out on appreciating what great movies these were just because they weren’t exactly what you imagined them to be. They were still great!

I’m happy that it’s over- and you bet the blu-ray box set of the movies is going on my christmas wish list!! <3

-Why do they put red dye in Benadryl, when Benadryl is what is used to treat allergies (to things like red dye)? Does not make sense to me. At all.

-Netflix is changing their price structure- again. It’s very annoying and frustrating. But Blockbuster couldn’t hang in there, and now we’re stuck with them. Redbox is great- but who actually remembers to go to the store the next day?? I never do. I end up paying the $25 because I forget to take it back. I get to keep the movie then- but still. There are some movies that I don’t want to admit to owning, you know? Anyway, I changed our plan to just watch-it-now only, and figured if I want to see a movie badly enough, I’ll just buy it. Really bad move on the part of Netflix, though. It makes me wonder if they are getting some sort of kickback from the retailers who started losing out on dvd sales once people realized they didn’t have to buy the movie they could just Netflix it.

-Thanks to a couple of photography gigs this month, I was able to get some very cool/useful pieces of lighting equipment for my food photography work/hobby. Plus, my future in-laws’ birthday gift to me was some linens/tea towels that I had been wanting for a while, so it will be exciting to start photographing food again once the lighting equipment comes in. I was getting too frustrated with lack of light in my little apartment. Of course now, my apartment will look like a photography studio. ha! Fine for me, but not sure how Joseph and Dylan will feel about that. They’ll live I suppose- I put up with all of Dylan’s trains everywhere and all of the random socks that Joseph seems to put in the strangest of places.

-I shot a first birthday party this past Saturday, and it was really fun. The little girl was just so adorable, and the parents went all out- the whole house’s decorations were changed for just the one day! Too sweet. It was a small party, by Sri-lanken standards, but to me it was huge. I couldn’t imagine throwing a party that big for someone who will never remember it. I did, however, take lots of photographs in a tiny girl in a huge pink dress, with more lace on it than I have ever worn (combined) in my entire life! She was such a sweetheart, and really loved the camera once she warmed up to me. I have to say, being a mom has really made me better at photographing children in general- once the mommy part of me kicks in I can really connect with the child and make them feel at ease.

-The longer Facebook exists, the less I like it. It’s either cheesy updates that end with a “repost this if you care” or something similarly stupid, outrage at whatever the current political or social climate is, bad news about how x person in x state murdered their child/spouse/workplace, or someone being dramatic about something going on in their life. Worst yet, it’s the #1 place for people to brag about their job/kid/life and it just drives me nuts. But when I stop to think about what I’d prefer people to post on Facebook (the conversation goes something like- “ok you don’t like it- but what do you think they should post instead? Don’t bitch unless you have a solution!”), I realize that Facebook is exactly the place to do exactly that sort of thing. I generally tend to hide people if they fall under a few categories- still friends on FB but not really friends anymore, people I friended out of politeness, people whose status updates are always about Jesus or something religious, people who are eternally bragging about how brilliant their child is, or the drama queens.

Then that got me to wondering who has me hidden. O.o.

I don’t use Facebook much anymore, just pop on every now and then to see how people are. It might just be the medication, but it feels like a lot of the extra things that were sort of a frivolous use of time have fallen away.

-Speaking of medication- I don’t think I’ve talked about it here yet. I suppose I wasn’t ready to do that until things worked out one way or another. But it’s been a couple of months now so I suppose it’s okay.

As a military veteran that has been diagnosed with a high disability rating for an anxiety disorder, I am given free health care at the local VA hospital and a monthly disability stipend based on the percentage rate of my disability. This is great for the most part- the disability stipend helps me because it means I don’t have to find a second job, and can afford Dylan’s preschool. This has been quite useless, however, in the actual medical care part. I saw someone for four months and I think he was probably the most useless therapist I have absolutely ever encountered.

So I finally got fed up and decided that my medical insurance from work would help take care of some of the costs, so it was time to go find a proper doctor. I found a neuropsychiatry office, and scheduled a visit.

It was almost an entire day full of a wide range of tests- everything from the ones where they make you touch your finger to your nose and stuff like that, to computerized tests that tested your response times and something like IQ. At the end of it, I was surprised to find out that the diagnosis was ADD- and that my IQ is rather substantial, which is why, the doctor believes, it went undiagnosed for so many years. She started me on a medication regime and there was a marked difference, even from the first day.

My life has been very, very different since then. I never really believed that people really had ADD before now. I’ve always just felt that if I tried a little bit harder, or was less lazy, or more committed to staying more organized, that I’d be able to do break through the haze that seemed to slow me down and be the “real” me. The one I wanted to be. But no matter how hard I tried, it just didn’t work out- leaving a depressed and anxious Melanie in its wake. Reality now? Much different.

My impulse control issues- completely gone. My thoughts are so much more organized. I have lost (quite a bit of) weight because I am no longer drinking (at all- tried it once when out with friends and it makes me feel really sick with this medication so I’ve just quit completely), no longer overeating or just eating on impulse. Plus the medication makes food not really taste that good, so I have to choose what I eat-and the choices have been based on what’s good for me instead of what tastes good. I’m also a lot happier because I’m getting more accomplished, and have been a lot more patient in general- and especially with Dylan, which is a definite bonus. I’ve also had enough of an attention span to get on my exercise bike more often and stay on it for the duration of recommended physical activity as well.

It’s gotten me rather excited for my future, as I have been able to sit down and start learning things that don’t come naturally to me. It’s kind of thrilling to be able to actually understand things that I just couldn’t wrap my head around before now. The doctor said it made her wonder what I could have done with my life if I’d had this diagnosed sooner- and I sort of laughingly agreed, but I suppose there’s no use in dwelling on that.

-Finally- I bought Dylan one of those books from  Hallmark, where you can record your voice and the child can look at the book and hear you reading it to them. It wasn’t what I expected- it was more like a really long card rather than a story (the disappointing part), but he loved it so much, last night he sat in bed before he fell asleep and looked through it five or six times before I finally had to tell him it was time to turn off the light. I think the books would be cooler if I could actually record a real story instead of just a “McQueen is cool and so are you” kind of story, but he was happy to get it.

I was going to give it to him on his birthday, along with his other Lightning McQueen themed gifts, but I never had time to record it. I finally got around to bringing it to work with me yesterday, simultaneously remembering a small screwdriver to open the recording box, and it really was just in the nick of time.

Dylan’s dad, despite the lease agreement indicating that no pets are allowed, and my extremely strong objections to him getting Dylan any sort of pet, bought Dylan a hamster about 3-4 months back. Well, with Dylan being here full time now, he hasn’t been over to see the hamster in a while, and really never brought it up. Yesterday, though, upon realizing that it’d been more than a week since he’d spent any time with Dylan, his dad asked to walk him home from preschool. It was on this walk home that he decided to tell Dylan that he had let the hamster go in the woods outside the apartment complex, and that Hammy (the pet’s name) wasn’t going to be around anymore. Dylan came home in tears, crying his heart out, and of course I was more than a little upset. I didn’t say anything as I avoid any sort of adult confrontation if Dylan is around, and resolving his tears was more important at the moment…but, if looks could kill I would have been jailed for homicide.

However, with lots of cuddles from both me and Joe, the promise of the cat he wants to get (he’s already named it Ixie) someday when we have a bigger place, and a Lightning McQueen book later, and the world seemed okay again. He was really quiet most of the night though, and it just really made me hope that his dad leaves to live/work elsewhere sooner rather than later. He’s been released from all child support and has agreed to me having full legal and physical custody- he just can’t seem to get his life together. Plus, he keeps letting Dylan down and it breaks my heart to have to pick up the pieces, because pain is never something you want your child to experience. Inevitable I suppose- but I’d rather it not happen when he’s five, you know?

I’d never keep him from seeing his dad, but I am looking forward to the day when I can help him manage his expectations and explain things in a way that will give him better perspective. Until then- I guess I will just keep doing what I’ve been doing- the best I can.

I’m not going to do one of those cheesy letters to my child, reminiscing on the day he was born and how he’s grown and all of that. It’s just not me. However, I will say that I did think about the day he was born, how could I not? I will absolutely never forget the first night he was here, I was awake the entire night, just staring at this little baby lying against my chest. Even now it’s how he prefers to wind down for the night, snuggled in bed with me, his head on my chest.

We had a very Cars2 themed birthday. The cake, the presents- and the movie. It was a lot of fun and he is very proud to be five now. He was so excited about his cake that it took a while to get a proper smile out of him- resulting in one of the goofiest photos I have probably ever taken of him!

Joseph and I are very proud of him- and  are learning together how to get this little man through his life. Lots of patience, lots of hugs, and especially lots of tickles!

And finally, one of me and my not-so-little baby boy:

Happy Birthday, Dylan!

It’s easy to get distracted. Especially for me. Distracted by what I don’t have. Distracted by what I want. Distracted by what someone else has. Distracted by dreams, desires, hopes and fears.

There are just too many things that can distract me from the simplest fact of all- I am blessed.

Another year older, and hopefully another year wiser.

Thankful. Absolutely and positively thankful for the life I’ve been blessed with.

Sometimes it’s difficult to decide what to write about. Not that I don’t want to write about it, but in getting self-conscious and knowing that I will most likely be judged for what I write. But, oh well.

This one is a little personal, so I suppose I’m bearing my soul a bit here. But writing helps me feel better anyway, and figure out where to put things.

Dylan’s biological father will soon be out of his life- for the time being, anyway. His addictions are catching up to him and he has no choice but to move. I never asked him for alimony, and have now released him from child support- Joseph and I are more than capable of taking care of Dylan, and it’s up to Dylan’s father to decide what kind of role he wants to have in his child’s life. I’ve never kept Dylan from him, and the door is (and always will be) open for that. Dylan calls both of them “daddy”, and it’s just what works for us.

I’m sad a little bit, even though I knew this day would probably come. He needed more help than I could give him when we were together, and I’ve watched him get even worse after we had to put Dylan in preschool and he was left to structure his life on his own. I can’t even let Dylan go to his house anymore because it smells like spoiled milk and Dylan kept coming home sick after going over there (I’m guessing it’s some kind of mold and Dylan is allergic). His father is also physically unwell- the signs of him not taking care of himself are increasingly visible. It really breaks my heart because it didn’t have to be that way, but this is the way that it is and I am left dealing with the pieces of it all.

I’ll skip over the intricate details of it all, as it’s not entirely my story to talk about. I know I did what I could to help, and kept warning him that he needed to look for a job now (last November) because the economy was so rough- I mean I’m rather qualified, and it took me 5 months instead of the usual 2-3! But he kept saying- it’s too soon, I’m fine now, and went back to video games. I kept trying to warn him, kept trying to encourage him so he could stay here near Dylan. He kept brushing it off, leaving it for another day. And now it’s too late, and at the end of this month he’ll be moving somewhere else.

But Dylan has me, and now has Joe, and even a “Uncle” Danny (Joe’s close friend here in Chapel Hill). They go play soccer together, and take him to the park. They have plans to teach him to swim this summer- which will give me multiple heart attacks I’m sure, as I still don’t know how to swim (properly, anyway). We’ve started having playdates with preschool friends, and Dylan is really blossoming emotionally and even more academically. We have decided to give him another year of preschool to help him develop socially and emotionally, and really feel that it’s for the best after listening to the advice of his teachers and our parents (Joe’s mum is a preschool teacher as well). It costs a lot (cost of preschool in Chapel Hill is ridiculous), and means a lot of sacrifice for us, but in the end, I think sacrificing for your child is the job of a parent.

I mean, I love Dylan. I adore him. I love being his mum, as much as a dislike the actual act of being a parent. But that’s just the selfish side of me talking, I suppose- the one that likes to go to the bathroom uninterrupted or even manage to take a shower without having to solve some toy crisis, or maybe watch an entire tv show without being asked for the 100th time to please switch to “dylan tv”. Parenting requires you to be on your game 24/7 because if you aren’t? They’ll see it. They’ll see that the rules can be compromised, and that doesn’t give them the security and boundaries that they need. It is so damn tiring.

Incredibly worth it, but still, tiring.

The rumors of my death are highly exaggerated. No, I haven’t died, or *gasp* worse, stopped blogging.

I’ve just been completely absorbed in teaching myself to code in XML and it’s taken up a bit of my time. I suppose I could have just borrowed someone else’s code but it’s so much more satisfying for me to dig in and just learn it myself. Plus now I know how to do it. I think, anyway.

Most of you know that under this super mom facade I’m really just a gamer geek. I’m pretty sure that it makes me a teensy bit nerdy to teach myself XML just so I can utilize it in a video game. But, alas, that’s just what I’ve been doing.

There is so much going on in my life right now, and I hope in the next week or so to sit down and start writing out these thoughts. Plus I have a whole bunch of food blogging to catch up on!!

I will say though, I love being able to (finally) really concentrate fully on something. Even though I now have to do things like remind myself to eat (hello 20 lb weight loss!) and set a timer so I will go to bed and not just stay up all night working, it’s completely worth it. I have been even more patient with Dylan and have enough focus to play with him for as long as he needs it. I’ve been happier and so much more calm. I can actually have the energy and drive to exercise- not just the desire (which we all know isn’t enough). I never thought that I could have such a big difference in my life, and I’m extremely grateful that I seem to have finally broken out of the haze that has surrounded my life for so long.

Anyway. Since every blog post needs a photo- you get a screen shot of some of my code. ^_^

Screenshot of some of my code

Do you ever feel like a vacation makes you tired?

Last week I had to take “vacation” time from Tuesday through Friday, as Dylan’s preschool was closed for a few days before the start of the “summer” school time.

We had fun, although I didn’t get anything done. I did learn that his favorite car to race is the yellow one, that he can’t wait to see the Lightning McQueen movie, and that I am his favorite mommy in the whole world.

Good to know.

I took on the preschool work mornings- one Saturday a month, I am there to clean and organize the dads who come help work. Yup, I get to be bossy. I’m super nice about it though, I promise. I went early and did most of the cleaning on the inside, so they did the really hard manual labor (well it’s not really hard, but it would have been difficult for me).

There was a snake in some of the rubber bits on the playground and it freaked me out!! It was only a little white/grey snake, but still. It was a snake. The dads were like, “oh no big deal” but I don’t know if it really wasn’t a big deal or if they were just trying to be macho. So I let them spray the yellow jacket’s nest that needed to be gotten rid of as well. ha!

We set up this big tent covering over the children’s lunch tables- it ended up looking really nice. The manufacturer put holes in the base- obviously intending for the bases to be secured, but didn’t include stakes. Weird, right? We got some stakes and secured it though- I didn’t want it to fly away in the windy storms we have been having, not after all the work it took to put together.

Anyway. It was my vacation- but not really. Now I’m back to work, back to reality, and really, really thankful.

What a day. But I’m too tired to blog about it, so just a photo. Maybe I will find the words later.

One thing I will say though- why does medical insurance have to be so difficult? If my doctor prescribes me a medication, it shouldn’t take a week for me to get the okay from my insurance to buy said medication. I’m too tired so say any more about it.

So goodnight, interwebs. We’ll catch up later, I promise.